


After Goodbyes

by jackklinestan



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Ends on a Hopeful Note, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Grief, M/M, Not Really Character Death, POV Dean Winchester, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Requited Love, Season/Series 15, Spoilers for Despair, The Empty, i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:54:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27442255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jackklinestan/pseuds/jackklinestan
Summary: Dean probably wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but he didn’t care. He knew he should be out there searching for a way to bring the world back, to protect his brother, to protect Jack, hell, even just to get revenge on God, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.It was the end of the world, and he couldn’t bring himself to fucking care.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 11
Kudos: 130





	After Goodbyes

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe this show moved me to write a fic for the first time in I don't even know how many fucking years. Anyway. Hope you enjoy this :)

The screen him swam in and out of view. Dean put his head in his hands, rubbing at his eyes even though he knew it wouldn’t help. Sam looked up at him from behind the pile of crumbling books.

“You should go to sleep for a couple hours, man. Jack and I’ve got this.” Jack peeked at him from next to Sam and gave a small, blank smile. Dean grimaced. He had trouble looking at the kid these days. For all he used to joke about it, there was a resemblance.

“All right,” he shrugged. Sam’s face flickered to a concerned expression, like he was somehow hoping that Dean would refuse like he normally did, before turning back to the ancient script in front of him. Dean got up.

It was late, too late, but the windowless walls of the bunker erased any concept of time he had been clinging to before…well. Before. Now there was only after.

Sam, he still seemed to have some kind of frantic hope left in him. He was convinced that this couldn’t be the end, that there was some kind of spell or bargain or whatever that they could pull out of their asses like they always did and bring everyone back. Jack, he was just following blindly after Sam like he was a beacon. And who could blame him? He was young, so goddamn young. And Dean just felt old.

Dean probably wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but he didn’t care. He knew he should be out there searching for a way to bring the world back, to protect his brother, to protect Jack, hell, even just to get revenge on God, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

It was the end of the world, and he couldn’t bring himself to fucking care.

Dean had peeled off his clothes and thrown them into the growing pile in the corner when his eyes skated past that handprint. It was mocking him.

He grabbed the shirt and threw it across the room, along with all the various items that had been occupying the space on his bedside table for good measure. Dean slumped onto his bed, the brief bout of anger giving way to the crushing feeling in his chest.

It was all he could do to keep from crying in front of his brother. He bit down on his hand to keep from making a sound and let out a deep sob. _Fuck._

_“I love you.”_

He had been thinking about those words for a while. Dean wasn’t the “I love you” type. He had said it to Sam, to his mother, sure, but Dean knew deep down that that wasn’t how Cas had meant it. Cas said it like he wasn’t expecting a reply, like he knew that Dean couldn’t possibly mean it in the same way.

_“The one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have.”_

He had spent the last, what, last decade running around with him. He was Dean’s, and Dean was his, he had to have known that. For fucks sake, Dean spent years with his hand branded on his arm like he’d been claimed. It had been Cas that was so fierce in his devotion to Dean that he defied heaven, Cas that chose him over the destiny written down by God himself.

_“Goodbye, Dean.”_

As much as Dean didn’t like it, people had sacrificed themselves for him before. Hell, Cas had sacrificed himself for Dean more times than he could count. But this, this was different. Cas said goodbye like he knew he was gone forever. He said goodbye like he knew that even he came back, he wouldn’t have a home anymore. He said goodbye like he knew that Dean would never take him back.

Dean couldn’t help but think that if Billie hadn’t forced his hand, he would never have heard his confession. That was how they usually did confessions, wasn’t it, in dramatic moments of life and death. And of course, Dean had been too stunned to say anything other than what he knew already. Of course.

Dean had never been the feelings type, but Cas was always one of the very few exceptions to the rule. He was his angel, his person, his best friend. And up until a couple days ago, he had never entertained the idea of him being anything more. There was always a whisper, a little shadow of a thought, that maybe he could be, but he was too afraid. Always too afraid.

He was afraid of what other people would think, sure, but mostly he was afraid of Cas, his angel, his person, his best friend, looking him in the eye and Dean knowing he couldn’t possibly feel the same. And now he had done the same to him. The vice that was clamped around his chest threatened to suffocate him.

There was nothing he could do, no God on his side anymore. So he did what he always did when the world was against him and he needed help from the person who was always there to listen.

Dean closed his eyes and prayed.

“I love you too, Cas.”

And somewhere far away, an angel awoke in the midst of darkness.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so excited for and terrified by the next two episodes lol
> 
> Anyway, go like my lil [drawing](https://jackklinestan.tumblr.com/post/634071470252949504/you-changed-me-dean) because why not.
> 
> Leave a comment if you'd like, and feel free to just generally lose your mind :)


End file.
